In Vietnamese you address people with family words chosen by their age and relationship to you, not with a single word for "you". A man a little older than you is anh (older brother), a woman a little older is chị (older sister), someone younger is em, people around your parents' age are cô (aunt) or chú (uncle), and those older than your parents are bác, or ông and bà for the elderly. You then call yourself by the matching word, so talking to an anh you call yourself em.
Getting this roughly right is the single most useful piece of Vietnamese a long-term resident can learn, more useful than any phrasebook sentence. It turns you from a customer into someone who belongs in the neighbourhood. The system has regional differences and plenty of exceptions, but the core logic fits on one page, and Vietnamese people are delighted when a foreigner makes a fair attempt.
The core terms and when to use them
The table gives the most common pairs. The first column is what you call the other person; the second is what you call yourself when speaking to them. Vietnamese is written here without tone marks in the headings for readability, but with them in the text.
| You call them | You call yourself | Typically used for |
|---|---|---|
| anh (older brother) | em | A man somewhat older than you, up to roughly your parents' generation |
| chị (older sister) | em | A woman somewhat older than you, up to roughly your parents' generation |
| em (younger sibling) | anh or chị | Anyone noticeably younger than you, including waiters and young staff |
| cô (aunt) | cháu or con | A woman around your parents' age; also a female teacher of any age |
| chú (uncle) | cháu or con | A man around or a little younger than your parents' age |
| bác (elder aunt or uncle) | cháu or con | Someone older than your parents, used for both men and women, more so in the north |
| ông / bà (grandfather / grandmother) | cháu or con | Elderly people, and formally in official or business settings |
| bạn (friend) | mình | People of the same age, classmates, young people online |
Two practical notes. First, when the age gap is unclear, choose the more respectful option: calling a woman chị when she is actually younger is a compliment wrapped in politeness, while calling an older person em is a real slip. Second, ông and bà double as Mr and Mrs in formal writing and in official settings, which is why you will see them on letters and hear them at government offices.
Why the language works this way
Vietnamese social life is organised around relationships, and the pronoun system reflects that. Each time two people speak, the words they use describe how they stand to each other: older or younger, closer or more distant, family-like or formal. Strangers are drawn into a kind of extended family, so the woman selling vegetables becomes an aunt or an older sister, and the young delivery rider becomes a younger sibling.
This is why the age question comes so early in a new acquaintance. Without it, people cannot speak naturally. It also explains why pronouns sometimes shift over time. A colleague you first called chị out of caution may tell you to call her em once she learns she is younger; a friend's father you called chú may invite you, years later, to use a closer term. These shifts mark a relationship growing.
There is also a neutral, slightly distant word for "I" that appears in formal speech, in writing and with strangers whose age is unknown, as well as mình, which is common among friends of the same age. The neutral form is never wrong, but in close conversation it can sound cool or stiff, which is why learners who rely on it everywhere are often gently nudged towards family terms by their Vietnamese friends.
Everyday situations, solved
At the market or a small shop. Call the seller cô, chị or anh depending on age, and yourself con, cháu or em. A friendly Chị ơi, cái này bao nhiêu? (Sister, how much is this?) works almost everywhere.
In a cafe or restaurant. To call young staff, say Em ơi! It is normal, not rude. For older staff or the owner, use anh ơi or chị ơi.
Your landlord. Usually anh or chị if they are within about fifteen years of your age, cô or chú if older, and the matching self-term. Keep using it in messages too.
Colleagues. Mostly anh, chị and em by age, regardless of job title. A boss is often still anh or chị, sometimes with their name: anh Minh, chị Lan.
Your partner's family. Follow your partner's lead exactly, because family terms depend on which side of the family someone is on and on their birth order. Many families will tell you happily what to call each person.
Children in the lane. Call them con or cháu if they are very young, em if they are teenagers, and refer to yourself as cô, chú, anh or chị. They will do the same with you.
North and south: the same idea, different habits
The core terms are understood everywhere, but usage varies between regions. In Hanoi and the north, bác is used widely for people older than one's parents and is common for elderly neighbours and shopkeepers. In Ho Chi Minh City and the south, cô and chú tend to stretch further up the age range, and bác is less frequent in everyday speech. Southerners also often say con about themselves to quite a wide range of older people.
Sound differs too. Many southern speakers pronounce certain consonants differently from northern speakers and merge two of the six tones, so anh and em can sound unfamiliar if you learned from northern recordings. Central Vietnam has its own accents, which even other Vietnamese sometimes find hard to follow.
None of this needs to be memorised before you arrive. Listen for a week to how people around you address each other and copy them. If your neighbours call the elderly woman downstairs bà, do the same. The pattern of your street is a better guide than any textbook.
Names and titles
Vietnamese names usually run family name, middle name and given name, for example Nguyễn Thị Lan. People are addressed by the given name, the last one, combined with a kinship term: chị Lan, anh Hùng, cô Hoa. Calling someone by their family name alone, the way English speakers might say "Nguyen", sounds odd, especially as a large share of the population shares a handful of family names such as Nguyễn, Trần and Lê.
At work, a professional title can replace or join the kinship term: thầy or cô for teachers, bác sĩ for doctors, giám đốc for a director. When writing formally, ông and bà before the full name are the safe choice. In emails between colleagues, anh or chị plus the given name is normal even at senior levels.
Foreigners are usually called by their first name with a kinship term, such as anh John or chị Sarah, or simply by a Vietnamese-friendly version of the name. Many long-term residents end up with a Vietnamese nickname from neighbours, which is a sign of acceptance rather than mockery.
If your own name is hard for Vietnamese speakers to pronounce, it can help to offer a short form or to accept the version people naturally say. Some residents choose a Vietnamese name of their own, often with help from a teacher or friend, and use it with neighbours and at the market. It is not expected, but it tends to start conversations and makes you easier to remember, which in a neighbourhood where everyone knows the regulars is a real advantage.
Mistakes learners make, and why they rarely matter
Using em with someone older. This is the slip most likely to raise an eyebrow, especially with older women. If it happens, a quick apology and a switch to chị or cô is enough; people understand that foreigners are learning.
Mixing up the self-term. Saying anh to someone and then calling yourself anh as well sounds confusing rather than rude. Pair each term with its partner: anh or chị with em, cô or chú with cháu or con.
Dropping the term entirely. Short sentences without any pronoun, such as a bare cảm ơn (thank you), are fine in shops. Adding the term, as in cảm ơn chị, makes the same words noticeably warmer.
Being too formal with friends. Using ông and bà for neighbours you see every day can create distance. Formal terms belong at offices, in letters and with very elderly people.
Ignoring tones on the words themselves. Chị and chỉ, or cô and có, differ only in tone. Context usually rescues you, but practising these few words with a Vietnamese speaker pays off quickly, because you will say them dozens of times a day.
A simple way to start using pronouns
You do not need perfect grammar to use the system well. These steps are enough for the first months.
- Learn six words first: anh, chị, em, cô, chú and con or cháu, plus the calling particle ơi.
- Before each interaction, make a quick guess about age: clearly younger than you, roughly your generation, or your parents' generation and above.
- Choose the more respectful option whenever you are unsure.
- Use the matching self-term instead of an English "I" in short sentences, for example Em cảm ơn chị (thank you, sister).
- If someone corrects you or suggests another term, adopt it immediately and thank them. It is an invitation, not a reprimand.
- Ask a Vietnamese friend or teacher to listen to how you address your regular contacts, such as your landlord, market seller and colleagues, and adjust.
Our guide to learning Vietnamese as an adult resident looks at how to build from these words to everyday conversation.
Câu hỏi thường gặp
What does em mean in Vietnamese?
Literally it means younger sibling, and it is used to address or refer to anyone younger than the speaker, including staff in shops and cafes. Between couples, the woman is traditionally called em and the man anh, whatever their actual ages, which is why the word also carries an affectionate meaning.
Is it rude to call a waiter em?
No. Calling young staff em, often with the particle oi, is the normal and polite way to get attention in Vietnam. Using it for someone clearly older than you would be a slip; for older staff or the owner, use anh or chi instead.
Can I just use the neutral words for I and you with everyone?
You can, and people will understand you. But the neutral word for I sounds formal and distant in casual conversation, and ban suits people of your own age rather than elders. Switching to family terms makes you sound warmer and more natural, and neighbours notice the effort.
What should I call my Vietnamese partner's parents?
Many people call them bac, co or chu when they first meet, then shift to the terms the family prefers, often bo and me (father and mother) after marriage. Your partner is the right person to ask, as habits differ between families and regions.
Do these pronouns change in the south of Vietnam?
The same words are used across the country, but habits differ. Bac is more common in the north for people older than one's parents, while southerners often stretch co and chu further and call themselves con with many older people. Copy what your neighbours do.
How do I address officials at a government office?
Polite forms such as anh, chi or the more formal ong and ba are all acceptable. In writing, use ong or ba with the full name and title. Speaking calmly and respectfully matters more than the exact term, and bringing a Vietnamese speaker helps with complex matters.